Wherever I am, I'm still me.

News flash: When you get on a plane to head for another country, your "issues," the yucky things God has been slowly revealing to you about yourself, definitely do not wave good bye to you at the gate. It's not that easy. Oh no, they squeeze their dirty selves into your suitcase to jump out when you least expect them. 


I don't know why I have been surprised to see my problems and sin patterns follow me. Wherever I am, I'm still me. I'm still completely in need of God's grace and Jesus' finished work on the cross. Oh, but sanctification is such a slow process and I am so good at rejecting truth. I haven't been letting the Lord work on my yuckiness like I should be. My priorities have been off. I'm disappointed in the way that I have spent a lot of my time here. Surprise, surprise! It's a good reminder to me that I can never live up to my expectations of myself.

I officially have completed 75% of my time here. 75 days down. 25 to go. For most of my time here, I've told people, "No, I don't miss home that much. I don't know if I'll be ready to go back when it's time." In the back of my mind, I've been wondering if the warm fuzzies about Guatemala would linger. 

Well, it's happened. Like a light bulb in my head went off yesterday morning, I realized all of a sudden that I really miss home. I really miss (North)America. I really miss Texas. I really miss Austin. I really miss College Station. I really miss my mommy and my daddy and my sisters and my roomies. I miss my church. I miss community (I NEED community!). I miss hearing sermons and singing songs in English. Oh man, the rose-colored glasses I've been wearing have fallen off my face. Guatemala all of a sudden looks a little different to me. 


I'm now working at Casita Benjamin and staying at Seteca, the seminary. Being alone here at the seminary may have something to do with my readiness to be back at home. However, God has already been using it to teach me a lot and for that I am very thankful. It is still a daily battle to let Gospel truths change me.  

I just have to remind myself of why I'm here. I am here to serve the Lord, be immersed in another culture and language, learn more about missions, and grow in the Lord in the process. Yes, I will feel alone. Yes, it will be hard. But if I cannot go to the Lord in loneliness, when can I go to the Lord? I have been rejecting Gospel truths. Psalm 32:1 says, “Blessed is the man whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.” Do I live a blessed life of forgiveness? Why do I not consider myself like this? I need to let the Lord be the one I go to for all feelings of fulfillment. He has more to teach me here in Guatemala. I need to let him.

Please be praying that God will continue to teach me and grow me through this process and that God would use this broken vessel to bless the people here and, above all, glorify Himself.