raw thoughts and looming questions

Did I just get conned? 

Did he really need money for lunch?

Or does he live day to day by preying on naive tourists like me?

Is her husband really dead? 

Is she really going to use the money I gave her to feed her two children? 

Or did I just feed a drug addiction?

WHY am I asking these questions?

Last week, I was walking back from the central park to my house. I don't remember what I was planning on doing when I got back, but I know I had an agenda. I wasn't just out for a stroll. A man, probably around 25, walked up behind me and started talking to me. Honestly, I was a little bit caught off guard.

"Hola."

"Hola." 

"Como estas?"

"Bien, gracias, y tu?"

"I'm really sad."

"Why?"

"Because I'm really hungry and have nothing to eat."

I looked up and saw that we were standing right outside Pollo Campero, Guatemala's beloved fast food chain. 

"Puedo comprarte algo para comer?"

"Yes."

I was planning on just letting him order something to go at the counter and paying for it, but he went in and sat down at a table. When the lady came up to take his order, I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, and the most overpowering one was that I really didn't want to go on a date with this particular Guatemalan man. Not really sure if I made the best decision, but I ended up handing him 25Q (about $3...enough to cover a meal) and telling him I was sorry but had to go. 

Walking away, I kept wondering if I should have stayed, made sure he ordered, and paid for the food myself. Because of stories I've heard (at home and here), I had to wonder, "Did I just get tricked? Did he really have no money or did I just look vulnerable? Did he really order food, or did he take the money and leave?"

On a deeper note, maybe I should have eaten with him because, after all, "this man (Jesus) welcomes sinners and eats with them (Luke 15:2)." Maybe I just missed out on a divine appointment. At the same time, being a girl in a foreign country, I have to ask what wisdom and discernment look like in situations likes this. And then, I have to be careful about refusing to make risks for the Lord. Oh, the questions. These are the thoughts and experiences I couldn't have foreseen happening, but probably should have. It's all a part of one big learning experience, and I'm thankful that the Lord is not letting go of my hand in the process. It's not easy to look like Jesus, and I have a long way to go before I'm even close to being close to being close.

You would think that after that experience, I would have gone over in my head what to do next time I got approached. 

Did I? Nope.

Today, during my 30 minute break from school, I walked to the bank to make yet another withdrawal and then got a snack. As I was walking back, a woman with two children asked me from across the street if I spoke Spanish. I really don't have the heart to ignore people, so as she started crossing the street to talk to me, I slowed down. 

"I need to feed my children, but I don't have any money. My husband died and I don't have a job. Can you please give me some money for food?" 

Looking back, if I would have been thinking clearly, I would have told her that I had to get back to school (I had about 2 minutes left of my break), but if she would meet me at noon outside the school, which was right down the street from where we were standing, I would take her and her kids to lunch. That way, I could be sure that the money was really being spent to feed the kids and I could learn more about her life and share with her about the One who gives true life. 

Well, I wasn't thinking clearly. I looked into the sad eyes of the little girl and little boy, reached into my bag, and pulled out the smallest bill I had at the time, 50Q (about $6). Walking away, all I could do was pray that she would really go buy food for her children.

At least now I have a plan for next time...

Learning what it really looks like to serve the people of Guatemala is not easy. I truly want to help people and show them the love of Christ, but I also don't want to enable sinful behavior. I don't want to hurt people by helping them. But who am I to judge?


In Jesus's words:
"Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods, do not demand them back." Luke 6:30


That's one of those verses that's really tempting to say, "Oh, but he doesn't really mean that." I'm pretty sure Jesus meant everything he said. However, I'm not sure handing cash to everyone who begs from me is the best way to go about obeying verses like this one. As I mentioned before, sitting down and eating with the woman and her kids would have probably been a better route for me to take. 


For any of you who know me well, you know something I struggle with is people pleasing. I'm finding that there's a fine line between wanting to serve people and wanting to please people, and for me it comes down to my heart motivations. Why do I want to "serve" this person? Why do I want to meet their needs? Because I love them and want God to be glorified or because I selfishly want to avoid conflict or guilt?

The book I'm reading right now is called Cross Cultural Servanthood: Serving the World in Christlike Humility. It has really been convicting me and challenging my North American narrow-mindedness. I'm halfway through it and would already recommend it to anyone who is planning on serving cross-culturally at any point. It focuses a lot on humbling ourselves before God and others and seeing that "our" way is not necessarily the "right" way. Coming into another culture, in order to truly serve, we must take time to learn the culture and how the people need to be served based on their cultural surroundings.

"For those of us who live in or intend to enter another culture, I suggest we postpone naming ourselves 'servants' until the local people begin to use words about us that suggest they see servant attitudes and behaviors in us. Humility requires that we hold off making such an important suggestion about ourselves until we have some evidence from others. Therefore, let us intentionally, every day, ask what we have learned about how a servant looks and acts in the culture (page 37)."

The first principle Duane Elmer focuses on in developing servanthood in a cross-cultural situation is openness, which he describes as "the ability to welcome people into your presence and make them feel safe." The first skill in developing openness is suspending judgment. 

"By suspending judgment, I can keep my mind open to alternative explanations for what I see and hear rather that immediately assuming something negative...If I allow negative attribution to take over, I am inclined to ignore the woman's humanity and her true needs. But if I stifle a quick response and remain open, it becomes and opportunity for hospitality--a moment of grace, maybe evening healing (page 51)."

Apparently, that's something I need to work on. I'm just asking God what it looks like to suspend judgment while also being discerning and smart about the way I help people. 


As a side note, a couple days ago, I saw the same man walking down the street with none other but a Pollo Campero cup and to go bag. Really trying not to jump to conclusions....

The next book on my t0-read list is When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor and Yourself. Maybe if it had been a higher priority on my reading list, I would already have the answers to some of my questions. Then again, I probably wouldn't be learning as much if I didn't have to struggle through the questions on my own first.