Endurance and Patience with Joy

I really have felt in the past couple of days like I've hit a wall. 

The "I've almost hit the halfway mark" wall. 

The 

"Why am I here? 

What good am I doing? 

Am I even making a difference? 

What do I have to offer?" 

wall.

It hit me today while tutoring Candy and Maribel. Candy kept biting her nails. She couldn't tell me the answer to any of the letters or numbers I was showing her. The things I've been working with her on for two weeks. She wouldn't talk to me or look me in the eye. I didn't feel love toward her. I didn't feel patient. I felt annoyed. Frustrated. Bitter.

And then I heard her story. Candy was found three years ago roaming the streets and severely malnourished. Her family had stopped to play kickball on the side of the road. Someone kicked the ball really far and when she ran after it, they drove away. That's the last time she saw her family. She has been in kindergarten ever since, and she is 12. 

Wow. God brought me here to Guatemala, placed one of His precious children in my care, and I can't even love her enough to be patient with her when she can't remember the number 5 or the letter D. Part of the problem is that I know I'm not even expected to make any progress with Candy. Countless others have tried and with little to no results. It's easy to feel like I've been set up for failure.

The truth is, I can't love her on my own. I need God's love for her. I need his compassion. 

I can't have God's perspective on anything without spending time in the Word and in prayer.

God has convicted me that in trying to serve Him, I've been neglecting Him.

When I was preparing to come to Guatemala, I thought it would be a good time to try again on a Bible reading plan. My friend had just finished a 90 day plan and said it was manageable, so I decided to give it a try. I don't know why I thought I would have enough time to read for an hour every day with everything else going on in Guatemala. It worked really well when I was in Antigua and only had language school for 4 hours every day. I had time to think and process and journal. But it really isn't working now. 

Bible reading plans and I have never had a good relationship. All it usually takes is hitting Deuteronomy and I get a little cross-eyed. I don't know how many times I've tried with the same result. Yes, I've picked up my Bible every day, but more out of a feeling of duty than out of an expectant heart to be changed by God's Word. With not enough time to really sit and think about the 12 or so chapters assigned for each day, I'm starting to feel drained. Reading the Bible isn't supposed to make you feel drained. I don't ever want my time with God to feel like a duty. 

A lot of it has to do with not being a good time manager. I'm used to spending time reading my Bible in the mornings, and when my day starts at 6 a.m., it's hard to think about waking up at 5 a.m., but it's time to rethink that. 

 So, on day 26 (obviously a few days behind), I'm taking a break from the grand plan. 

Anna, another intern, and I have decided to start holding each other accountable to starting our days with God. We've both realized that our attitudes haven't been the best toward the girls and we both know it has everything to do with not going to God for strength and love.

We are going to wake up early(er), drink tea, read the same passage, and pray together in the mornings. Then, we're going to discuss the passage before bed. I'm so thankful that God has given me encouraging community even when I came into this expecting isolation.

We started Colossians tonight and it was like a breath of fresh air to only read half a chapter and really let God speak to me through it.

"And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light." 

(Colossians 1:9-12)

Lord, fill me with the knowledge of your will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.

Help me to walk in a manner worthy of You, and make me fully pleasing to You.

Help me to bear fruit in every good work.

Increase my knowledge of you.

Strengthen me with all power, according to Your glorious might,

for all endurance and patience with joy,

giving thanks to You who has qualified me to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.

I'm so thankful that God is eager to answer this prayer. 
He is eager to give me these things for HIS glory. 
He is eager to give me endurance and patience with joy as I tutor Candy and Maribel.
I just need to go to Him, the giver of all good and perfect gifts.